me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
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I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.