my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
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Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.