Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
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I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
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Expectations vs. Reality
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead