Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
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When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but