[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
my mom making me talk to relatives
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead