Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
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I hope Alan is OK
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.