this is me
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JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
*skinny dips into black hole
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.