Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
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I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My grandad鈥檚 battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My wife鈥檚 story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 馃槀馃コ
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I鈥檓 being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest鈥檚 house…
There鈥檚 no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that鈥檚 the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!