Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
You Might Also Like
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.