I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
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CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.