Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
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A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.