The sun is 100% solar-powered.
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Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
this is me
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.