thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
You Might Also Like
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.