“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
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Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ