I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
A bold strategy
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.