My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
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Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*