me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
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i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.