Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
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One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up