“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
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He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
my one true gender
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.