Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
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Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.