Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
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Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
🛁
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend