I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
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Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.