Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
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I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Oops
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
This one’s “Alex”.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*