Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
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Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Weirdos gonna weird.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them