My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
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You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.