*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
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Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…