I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
You Might Also Like
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
this is the greatest thing ever
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand