A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
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most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.