5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
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When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’