Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
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When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
OH. COME. ON.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?