I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
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My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.