my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
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I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
look at me when i’m typing to you
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.