Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
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“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.