Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
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[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus