If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
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Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.