My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.