WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
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I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Me, flirting😏
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
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