My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
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My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
#DesignFail
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
what day is it?
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?