At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
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Coffee for people with no kids
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.