After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
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ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers