Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
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Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?