I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
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gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
pat pat
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
oh no, steve’s working tonight
mariah carrie
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
“and how does that make you feel?”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Poetry is my passion
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’