With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
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[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”