Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
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*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
In space, no one can hear…
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.