My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
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murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Something Saturday.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
☺️
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]