Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
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Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.