that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
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I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.