Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
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Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida