FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
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Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here