Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
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Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Woke up against my better judgment again
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
not for long
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan